he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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