I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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