I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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