I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
