I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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