Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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