Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
