I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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