Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
