You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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