I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Randomize
