Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
