My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
