So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
