Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
