My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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