well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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