i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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