who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
