I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
