I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
