Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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