I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
