I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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