why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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