we're chasing vodka with high fives
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
