Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
3 2 1 whiskey
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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