A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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