So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
