If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
