You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
