So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
