saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
