I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
