he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
