i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
