mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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