Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
