I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
