I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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