I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
