I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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