god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
