Your face is a jimmy john
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
