I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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