it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
