We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
