All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
