i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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