what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
