I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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