I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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