she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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