I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
