Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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