Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
