I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
