So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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