I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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