just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am naked and annoyed.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
