I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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