I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
